I won't give up
I keep asking myself, what am I doing with my life?
Is this really worth it? Working so hard, doing so much, for something I don't even like?
Why am I even doing this? Can I just stop now? I've been fighting for too long, I've been persisting for too long.
I've been tired for too long.
I want to rest. I want to stop.
But then, I tell myself.
I can't give up.
I've given too much already. My whole life has been revolving around it. I can't let those years go to waste. That's why, I have to keep moving on, even if I'm desperately dragging myself forward.
I've given up on one thing already. I can't lose another.
Changes... scare me. I hate them, they give me a feeling of nervousness tumbling in my stomach. I'd stop looking forward to the next day, dreading it in fact, and long for a routine, something I'm used to.
That's why I expect my friends to stay the same. I know people change, but I know I'll change along with them. But if they suddenly change to abruptly... I can't keep up. I'll feel like I've been left behind in the dust, running so desperately after them, yet they never slow down and only continue surging forward. I hate that feeling.
One friend told me that changes will definitely come. She told me that she'll change for sure.
Then, I asked myself, how does she still expect me to continue being her friend if she changes? To me, friends are two puzzle pieces. They fit perfectly together. If one day, a puzzle loses an edge, they won't fit together anymore. There will be that one hole that will forever remain there, no matter how small it is.
Aren't her words ridiculous?
I was angry. I felt that she wanted me to change with her. And I can't do that. I won't change myself to accommodate other people, because that's just not me. I'm incapable of doing that, and I'm sorry if that's what people expect of me. I live for me, not for others.
I'm afraid of changes, and I know I'm not the only one. The feeling of unfamiliarity, it's suffocating. The feeling of being thrown into the future, unprepared, it's frightening. That's why, I keep myself static. I try not to change, not only for myself, but also for my friends. I can't afford to change, because that takes too much effort, and I'm already much too tired. And at the same time, I want to be the home that my friends come back to.
Years later, they will all change. They may change to degrees where they don't even recognize each other anymore. We may have ended each others' sentences once in our life, but years later, that chemistry will have vanished. The small nods of understanding, the small hand gestures--they will all become distant memories, ones that will fade away.
My friends will become strangers. But I want to still be there for them, to offer the little familiarity that still exists in the world. Everything changes. Time passes. But I want to try... to just try to give them a feeling of home. So they can return back to me and know exactly what to say. So they can buy me a cup of coffee exactly the way I want it, without having to go through the trouble of finding out.
Because I know everyone wants a home. They want somewhere to return to after battling through the harsh realities of the outside world.
Just wanted to take a small moment to thank my friends ;)
I actually have two groups of friends that don't exactly get along with each other. However, I love both groups equally.
I often try to figure out which one I need in my life more, but at the end of the day, I can never find an answer.
So, I've come to the conclusion that I need both groups in my life. I sound selfish, but I don't think I can bear it if one group leaves me. Without any one of them, I won't know what to do in life.
They're always with me when I have trouble. Although I have secrets I can't tell them, they're still emotionally close to me. Although I hardly tell them my biggest problems, I know that they'll still support my decisions.
They're the ones sticking up for me. They're the ones knocking some sense into me. They're the ones caring for me. They're the ones picking me back up and making me run forward again.
Thank you guys. Without you all, I wouldn't know what to do.
Thanks for bearing with my bossy, crazy attitude. Thanks for bearing with my one too many requests. Thanks for listening to me rant on and on. Thanks for listening to my opinions. Thanks for respecting me. Thanks for making me laugh.
Thanks for being my friend. I'm not the most perfect person on Earth, far from it in fact. I have my many flaws, but thank you for accepting them and still staying by my side.
Thank you for making me happy.
And this includes some new friends I made this year. Especially that one person who unconsciously did something so touching for me.
It's near the end of the year now. We've been together for many years already. Everyone tells me that my friends in college will be the ones that stay for life, but I believe that we'll be friends for life too.
Maybe 10 years later, we won't be as close, but I know one day, I'll remember you guys. One day, I'll wake up and think to myself, 'Hey, I wonder how so and so's doing.'
I know that one day, we will be separated. I just hope that that day doesn't come too soon. I hope we'll still be friends in college, after college, etc.
I hope that one day, we'll be visiting each other in our little cottages, drinking tea as old ladies, and recalling old memories.
I hope that one day, we'll still have the mindfkingly funny incidents. I hope that one day, we can all sit side by side, peacefully, waiting for our time to leave the world. I hope that none of us will leave the other.
Let's be like that one couple in Greek myths, shall we? A bunch of friends leaving for heaven, for paradise, at the same time, so no one can feel lonely.
Guys, don't forget me after 10 years, after 20 years. I promise I won't either.
And that's a promise I will keep.
SHINee 4th Anniversary
Okay, SHINee, my favorite group, had their 4th Anniversary yesterday. But yesterday, I was too knocked out from my Festival of Learning thing in school, that I couldn't write anything.
So. Yeah. Here is my awesome speech 'bout SHINee.
SHINee was the group that opened the door to Kpop, to self confidence, and to dreams for me.
Before SHINee, I hated Kpop with all my heart. Why? Hmm... I'm not too sure... It was either because my friend hated it, or it was because I thought it was stupid for people to like someone for their looks.
However, one of my other best friends was a Kpop fanatic. And honestly, I used to hate her. I honestly don't remember why either xD But she slowly introduced me to Kpop. She had me watch SNSD videos, and even though I liked SNSD, they never really appealed to me so much.
One day, I suddenly had a urge to watch more SNSD variety shows, and I clicked on a SHINee video on Flower Boy Generation. And man, after that, I never stopped with Kpop.
I quickly fell in love with the five member group and my biases fell in and out of whack many times. Now, though, I know that I love Lee Taemin the most.
SHINee led me to another path in life. They showed me the opportunity to become a singer. They handed me the key to a door leading away from my predestined life. I think it's safe to say that they inspired me more than anyone could ever imagine.
Aside from that, they always gave me something I lacked greatly. They gave me self confidence. They made me fall in love with Kpop. They made me start listening to other group's music. Soon, my like was way too supreme for others not to know about it.
In the beginning, I wanted to hide my like for Kpop, because I had friends that hated it. However, it was just too much. I openly told people I loved SHINee, I loved Kpop, and I think I built a sort of self confidence. It sounds funny, but it was the start of me forming my own opinions and liking what I like, not what other people like.
SHINee brought me a lot of happiness for the last year. When I began liking them, it was right before their anniversary too, so I think we can have our anniversaries together. Them having their anniversary of debuting four years, and me having my anniversary of liking them for a year.
Sure, I've began liking other groups, like Infinite, Big Bang, EXO, etc. etc. But I don't think any of them will inspire me as much as SHINee. I don't think any of them would make me as happy as SHINee. And I'll forever support SHINee. They'll always be Number 0 in my heart.
SHINee, fighting! Shawol forever~
Happy 4th Anniversary!
What Music Means To Me
What does music mean to me? What does it mean to all of us?
To some people, it is an escape from reality. To some people, it is a type of entertainment. To others, it's just merely one of the many things in life. And to some, like me, it is a necessity.
How important is it to me? If I don't have my mp3 with me when I'm going out with friends, I get fidgety. I'll start getting bored easily, even when talking to them.
During the last few minutes of my last class in school, if I'm not asleep, I'll take out my mp3 to listen to when I'm walking out of class. When I get home, I immediately plug my mp3 into my speakers, so I only miss a few seconds of the song I'm listening to.
When I download songs and import them into my mp3, I feel so excited and happy to listen to them in school the next day. Once, it didn't sync properly and I got soo pissed in 7th period I was glaring at everyone and kicking everything. I think one of my upperclassmen thought I was nuts.
When I'm running during P.E, I either think about how annoying running is, or sing mentally in my head. When I'm taking tests, I do the same. Even when I'm walking to class, I start singing.
A life without music is unimaginable. I feel awkward without my music. I feel awkward talking to people without my mp3 on. Sometimes, I just keep my earphones in my ears, because it feels comfortable. But I think that's beside the point o.O
When talking to someone I respect, that's the only time I pause my mp3. Sometimes, even when I'm talking to my teachers after class, I'm listening to music. Sounds disrespectful, huh?
My pet peeves mostly relate to music. One is that I have an OCD about listening to one song only. I can't stand listening to two songs at the same time. When I'm listening to music, I'll get really angry when someone else starts blasting music (something my best friend LOVES doing). I even get pissed when I'm listening to music and the TV starts playing the ending of a drama.
You guys must be thinking about how I get through in class. Usually, I'm either half-dead in class or too busy to feel empty. If there's nothing for me to do, I write or recite lyrics and melodies in my head. Sometimes though, in classes that I don't do much, I try to sneak in a few songs on my mp3. :D I did that twice during lunch too, only 'cause I didn't want to get into trouble.
Music plays a huge role in my life. If someone asks me what I like, I'd say music. That's the first answer and it comes out automatically. When asked what're my hobbies, my first would be listening to music (second would be reading). I tried doing homework without music. Doesn't work. I still start singing or humming.
Music also brought me closer to many people. I'm a socially awkward person. I don't talk much to people I don't know. In Biology class, none of my friends are there, so I sit alone during free time. I don't talk to anyone and just focus on my work. When I have to ask someone for help, I have to think for ten minutes and muster up the courage.
However, I've made friends because of music. We like the same type of music. I met three people this year, because of our mutual love for Kpop. Believe me, that's a lot. Well, I also have this other friend that likes Kpop, but I only know her 'cause she's in two of my classes >.>
I often wonder what my life would be if I never liked music. I try to think back to the times when I wasn't obsessed with music. Man, that's a long time ago.
Let's see. I'm 14 now, so...I'm in 9th grade.
In 8th grade, I liked KHR OSTs, Vocaloid, Kpop, and various rock bands.
In 7th grade, I liked KHR OSTs, Vocaloid, and Naruto OSTs.
In 6th grade, I liked Pokemon endings/openings (DON'T ASK) and Linkin Park.
In 5th grade, I liked Pokemon endings/openings and the Carpenters.
In 4th grade, I liked the Carpenters and Richard Clayderman's songs.
In 3rd grade, I liked the music my teacher played (they were folk songs) and Jolin Tsai's songs.
In 2nd grade, I liked Jolin's songs and the songs my dad used to like (oldish Chinese songs and the like).
In 1st grade, I liked the music my dad played.
Any further back, I don't remember, so I honestly can't remember life without music.
Music started as entertainment for me. It sounded nice. I liked it. It filled up my life. Then, it slowly began to take over. It became a passion, a need.
I also began to see a change in my attitude towards music. Before, I'd like music my friend likes. I'd base my opinions off hers. I'd also like music purely. Just like that. Without a second thought, I'd devote my whole to a song.
Now, I like my own music. I make my own decisions about music. I mean, hell, I have Justin Bieber songs in my mp3. Think about it. I try not to base my opinions off others, and I find that I can now. For example, I don't really like B.A.P's Warrior and Power, as addicting as it is. If it were before, I'd try to force myself to like it o.O
Also, now, even though I still love music purely, I also begin to critique (?) music. Before, it was a notion that never crossed my mind. It seemed almost a sin to criticize a certain song by my favorite artist or something. I'd think that I don't have any right to comment on it.
But now, I think differently. Singers are out there to showcase their talent for others to enjoy. Without other's opinions, how can they improve so more people would love their music?
My friend tells me that Simon and Martina have no right in criticizing Kpop groups/idols. I think differently. I think they have every right, as a fan, to give their opinions on songs from their favorite artists.
So now, when I listen to a song, I would pick out parts I don't like about it, etc, and not feel as if I have no right in doing this.
Sure, I hate it when people go around saying "OMG. I HAAAATE KPOP SOOO MUCH." But honestly, I can't do anything 'bout it right? I let people have their own opinions. I don't force others to like my type of music, because mine is mine.
There are just some people who like music that I don't. Even so, I try to keep an open mind when it comes to different types of music. I'm willing to give everything. For example, Rebecca Black. Sure, her song Friday was infamous. But hey, it was a hit. Everyone knew the lyrics to it. Everyone was singing it. Her next song, My Moment (I think that's the title LOL), was much better. I liked it, so I favorited it. And I'm not afraid to tell people that.
Okay, now I'm getting of topic.
All in all, music is just an irreplaceable part in my life. If you ask me if I wanted sight or hearing, I'd choose hearing. I mean, I'm not going to say, OH I'LL CHOOSE IT WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT. Cuz that's definitely not true. This decision took me a long time to make. One afternoon, I just sorta sat there (ignoring my hw in front of me) to make this decision. Yeah, I'm ... a messed up person...
But yeah. Music is nice. Putting it mildly that is. I honestly don't understand how someone can not listen to music. But that's beside the point.
Man, the closing of this post sucks. Well, whatever. I have CSTs next week. Ima cryyyy ;___;
.... I feel stupid.